Prologue
At the end of another weary day, the tired "top exec." of a foreign firm travels back to his plush, all expenses paid apartment in Tokyo. He gets into the (thankfully) air-conditioned flat, peels off his sweat-sodden shirt and colapses into an over-stuffed easy chair. His long suffering wife brings him a cold beer from the 'fridge, and asks in a gentle, kind voice - "What did you do at work today, dear?" To which the man simply replies - "I talked Pants all day".

MATCH REPORT (with NO references to underwear)

BEFC 3 - 4 FC Stoneds

Quote of the Day: "Sod off, I'm knackered"

In good old Blighty, a hot day is one where the mercury rises to the unprecedented heights of perhaps 28 degrees Centigrade. And then the country stops as everyone heads for the beach. Unfortunately it is always the same beach, so the traffic queues are horrendous.

In the Land of the Rising (and bloody HOT) Sun, they don't have a precise temperature range for hot, they just call it "Last Thursday - about mid-afternoon".

This game was a friendly, designed to test our mettle against supposedly better foes than normal. Stoneds are in the top division, whereas BEFC are just bubbling under. With promotion would come regular tussles against this level of opposition. Rumours circulated of Stoneds having recently beaten BFC 2-0. Obviously we had something to prove.

Picture this: Oifuto artificial pitch (scale: large). Kick-off time: 1pm. Air temperature: Too high.

Add in these contributing factors: Only 12 BEFC players (including one-off guest). Goal-keeper even more dozy then normal due to having got off a long-haul flight that morning, but still turning out for the team. Now if only all BEFC players showed that level of lunacy.

Consider the result: 4-3 against, with one goal absolutely gifted to Stoneds.

Conclusion: BEFC are not as bad as the individual players would seem to suggest.

The game itself started life as a 3 x 30 minute spectacle, but very soon shortened itself to 1 x 30 and 2 x 20 minutes sessions, as the survival instinct quickly made itself known. BEFC clearly were not being deadly serious about winning with the unusual tactic of starting their left-back as central striker. However, the other elements of the team were slightly more recognisable and the level of play was not bad.

The goals against BEFC ranged from 1) The embarrasing (a weak shot trickling towards the post, and then spooned in by a jet-lagged 'keeper, when it would have been easier to fall onto the ball - or even fall asleep onto the ball), to 2) The fairly good (a quick break wide, defenders stretched, the blocked pass falling straight to the striker, and then in. onto 3) A couple of easy breaks, 'keeper without hope, class telling against absolute tiredness on the part of BEFC. On a different day, the score could easily be kept lower. Suggestions of over commitment forward by the right-back have surfaced regarding the second goal, but these should be strongly denied by the defender's union.

The BEFC goals. Naturally peaches, each and every one. Even the first, which was an own-goal, forced by excellent forward play of course (hem, hem - modesty forbids etc - although the killer cross came from Lynch out wide). The real quality was exhibited later by Williams, in scoring one (searing run after excellent through ball from Bacon) and setting up the other for Smart to tap in.

Farcical lob of the day (there is always one): Ball out wide, and near the bye-line. Mis-hit cross comes over 'keeper's head, bounces, hits underside of bar, bounces on line and is cleared by Smart off the line.

Summary: We wuz robbed, guv. However, following Euro 2000 there was a spate of top managers resigning to take full responsibility for the losses. This game marked the first (of many?) defeats under the reign of e-Carlos. But did the man step down I hear you ask? Did he do the honourable thing? Or did he do a Keegan and looking a little sad, say "we just weren't good enough on the day", and keep his job for another 2-years at least? We should be told.

Team: Downs, Sendo, Spivey, Flynn, Jones, Bystedt, Williams, Willis, Bacon, Collier, Lynch, Smart

MotM: Tim Williams (Managers comment: "very hard working game, scored one and made one.")

Commendation: "The Cat" for turning out.