THE GREAT PANTS ROBBERY (or BEFC vs JP Morgan match report)

With a venue named The Big Circus – and located somewhere between Hon Atsugi and – Osaka – it was always going to be a strange outing for the BEFC. The luxury of the place – individual showers, soap, shampoo, aftershave and a hairdryer was clearly too much for “swampy” Woolhouse. Returning not-so-fresh from some international protest (apparently to keep Beckham in Manchester), he proposed we forfeit the match and head straight for the showers.

After a warm-up that consisted of well, walking outside into the blistering heat, the BEFC team we lined up for battle with JP Morgan – a team of guys now legendary for “sitting around eating cakes all day”. Their keeper in particular looked like he’d had more than his fair share.

NO PENETRATION
First half and JP Morgan were clearly drawing on all their bakery-based reserves of energy, harrying the Embassy at any turn. But, in the face of a rock solid Embassy defence their lack of penetration was telling – with not a shot on goal. Some special solid-defence mentions here: Cooper, clearly inspired by fact his misses was away or was it the Kentucky and Coke ten minutes before kickoff. Donaldinho sacrificed his legs to the astro god and pictures will probably appear in the FHM sick photo section. (Gary Wilson’s nads are featured in this months edition - sorry, Gary, bit below the belt).

UNLEASHED
The BEFC breakthrough came early. With Lynch upended after winning the ball, Basher Bacon cut in from the left and, without a moments hesitation, unleashed a beautiful dipping shot leaving the keeper no chance. 1-0 to the Embassy. (Management don’t we need a name – in the tradition of Spurs or Gunners?). While much of the first half was grinding, the second half was a treat. But not for the Morgan cake boys, who had clearly gone stale. Apart from a 10-minute spell when the play was about as silky as festering natto, the Embassy looked in total control. The BEFC boys strung together pass after pass and attacked unrelentingly.

NO CONTROL
But far too many got away to please the selectors. Lynch had a shot blocked on the line (resulting in Woolhouse and one of the doughnut-munchers entering into philosophical discussion on the morality of appealing for handball in the penalty area – probably deserves a report in itself). A Bystedt free kick just missed. Bacon has another sizzling effort - this one squeeked over the bar. Court’s control lets him down; a beautiful Bacon cross bundled lamely to the keeper.

BULGING
The second goal was a while in coming but it was memorable. A strong contender for goal of the season. A ball knocked forward from defence was volleyed spectacularly from 35 yards – the net bulging before the keeper had even flinched. [small statto detail – it was an own goal, although under considerable pressure from an Embassy Striker far too swift for this dazed correspondent to identify]. Sources close to the management tell me there is serious concern that OG may win both goal of the season and top scorer.

GONE IN 6 SECONDS
Referring to the refs joke decision, not the guts-related effects of a Spot Bar pizza. Clearly not knowing that the 4 steps rule has been replaced by 6 seconds rule, the ref awarded the embassy a free kick after the Morgan keeper had run to the edge of the area. The refs explanation has been sent out – the Embassy’s best are still trying to decode what the hell he is on about. With the third goal it was good to see Court back and back on the score sheet. More embassy pressure, a chance from the edge of the box and a left foot volley across the keeper into the corner of net. Clearly, the mid-season training in Finland (involving saunas, birch twigs and a reindeer – don’t ask) had been a management masterstroke. Based on this new philosophy, a select group heads to Finland Village for conditioning ahead of the final run in (to the title).

NAKED CHEF
In all, a solid performance away from home ... the match was relatively memorable (or maybe that was the heatstroke). The post match fodder was however top quality. The izakaya deserves a write up by the Naked Chef. Williams deserves an award for taking us there. Tim’s advice in case anyone missed it: Get the stewed pork!

SPECIAL MENTIONS
Bankers of the Match: JP Morgan forgot to pay ref (explain’s their profits)
BEFC Team: Crowley, Sendo, Spivey, Willis, Jones, Cooper, Bystedt, Williams, Bacon, Lynch, Woolhouse, Court Man of the Match: Vernon Willis – “took charge of defence, tidied up well and was the springboard for many attacks”

PS: Did anyone find some black, Calvin Kleins (medium)? I had two pairs but now can only find one.